Well, the Lord must have been listening when I prayed. I really did pray alot about my relationship with Sean and wanting to have God's will.
Wed when Sean got to church he said he had gotten tickets to Katie Hartman's play, but that he was planning to take his mother. Between that and the fact that when he left that night he sort of slipped out..and I went out shortly after him, as I opened my car door he said, good bye charlotte from his car. I didn't even see him standing there because it was dark. I was sort of following him but not really, but it wouldn't be uncommon for me to come over to his car. That was not my plan however. Then he said, "you can stay, you don't have to go". I said I am just getting my music books. He said ok and left. As I thought about it I wondered if he had wanted to tell me something, along the lines of look we're friends, that's it" (We had discussed appearances of evil and dave and kara's situation on friday night when we went to get a bite to eat). So I thought it was at least in the back of his mind.
Anyway as I thought about it more especially on my way home that night. I decided that maybe I should find out exactly what he was thinking. I hesistated about calling for a while and then called around 10:40. He picked up but wasn't busy. So I said that he seemed quite at church was something bothering him? He said "I was? nothing was bothering me". I said was there something you wanted to tell me..he said no I told you everything I wanted to say...I said ok.....I guess I just thought there was something because I had something bothering me and I guess I projected it onto you.
Then I said, well I need to talk to you about something. I said I know that we are friends, I head knows this but my heart, just doesn't get it. I just can't control it..and I feel some very strong feelings for you. At some point I am likely to say something that embarasses you. I said, I am assuming that I understand your feelings correctly, but I feel that our relationship has come to a point where either we need to change some things or it's going to have to get more serious. Am I mistaken in thinking that you view this as a friendship and that's all.?...He indicated that is the case. He said give it to God he will help you. I said yes, but sometimes we have to do things as well..he said yes that's certainly true.
I said I would love to have a family some day. I am young and I still have time. I know you would like to have a family. But if we continue like we are I don't think I'm going to be able to do that. Since we look like we are a couple people assume we are a couple. This doesn't do either of us any good. I think that the seating arrangement needs to change. I will have to find a new place to sit at church. I won't like it, but I will learn to accept it. Let's face it if someone come into church that is the type of person either of us would like to know, and they see us sitting together they won't even give us the time of day because they will think we are a couple.
I told him I thought that if we had to we could acutually make a relationship work, but that's now what I want..I want someone who PASSIONATELY LOVES ME and I feel sure that he wants the same thing. It's just that I have trouble believing that a friendship such as ours could only be that..it almost seems unnatural. He said he knew what I mean and that I am not the first woman that he has gotten into this situation with.
He said that he and Debbie were just talking the other day about how I helped at the funeral home with his grandnephew and how much they appreciated it. He told me that he does care about me and that when people at church ask about our relationship that he didn't mind them thinking we were together but he was concerned about my feelings being hurt when I had to say were aren't. I told him I really appreciated that and had been a problem in the past but that I had gotten over it.
I asked about visiting his mom and he said that he thought that a Christian influence would be good for her and that stopping in every once in awhile wouldn't hurt anything.
I explained that I understood that he was searching..and that I had seen his loveandseek profile. I told him not to worry about it that I 'm on there too. I relunctantly confessed that I broke into his account and did NOT read his email but did view the profiles of the women that had been looking at his account. I told him I had never broken into his email and had never read any of them. He asked how, I said you told me the password! He seems to have forgiven me. He said that my space was turning out to be pretty bizaar, russian brides women with problems etc. I told him it was the same for me and that I pretty much ignore it now.
God is good and he will sustain me. I pray that he will sustain Sean too and that he will provide Sean with a wonderful wife and a happy fulfilling life..single or married.
