Well I blog today with a mixture of emotions. I think that I realize that Sean is LOOKING and LONELY. That makes me sad. I am sad because I wish that I am WHOM he is looking for. In reality, it seems not. I am the TYPE he is looking for but I think not the PERSON. I also think that I need to stop FOOLING myself. The fact that he is LOOKING and LONELY makes me feel LONELY AND SAD. In my heart, I had stopped looking. I was satisfied, no stunned that he could possibly be the right man for me. The truth is it's ALL IN MY HEAD. GET OVER IT ALREADY I say to myself. Rather get OVER HIM already I tell myself.

In some ways the fact that he is looking is good. It shows that possibly he is ready for the kind of committment that families are made of. I keep telling myself, fine then don't bow out, be one of the options for him. I'm honestly not sure how to handle this type of relationship. I'm not sure if I want to casually date. Or even just go out as friends. I want more, if I can't have it I don't know what to do.

I am turning my eyes to Jesus the author and finisher of my faith. I am trusting him to show me the path. I need to resolve to not step forward in this relationship with out first consulting him.

I saw on his computer a book mark for a Christian dating site. So now I know he's looking.
Good for him. He needs to look. It's just hard being friends. My heart tells me to just let him make contacts and basically ignore him other than that, my brain say that's hard. I need to pray more. Prayer makes things happen because God honors prayer.

On a happy note it looks like he got a job with the Veterans Administration Hospital in Butler as an electrician. It is a 6 months to 2 year placement. I'm glad for him.

I have started thinking about leaving the church again. I was thinking of going to the church plant but now they are talking about going to Plum which is farther than I think I should drive to church and traffic will be very hard. So I'm not real sure. I think that I need to not leave a church over a guy but need to some how resolve the relationship.

There are some things that I am fairly sure of.
1. He doesn't know who God wants him with but he wants to have a family
2. So he's looking
3. He thinks I'm a sweet FRIEND and unless God changes that view
that is exactly what I will remain.
4. He may sometimes think maybe I'm the one but he doubts that is the case.

O God help me. I feel so helpless and alone. Touch my heart and open my eyes. Give me wisdom like Solomon, Love like John he disciple and the Holy Spirit to hold me up.

Comfort my poor weary tired soul. Help me. Give me strength. I am alone and familyless. Put me into a family give me a loving husband and children. Lord I can't do this stuff without you. I want what you want for my life. Please make you will the one that is predominate in my heart and helpt the disatisfaction with my lot in life to go away. I