Yesterday I found out the Manchester has closed it's doors. How sad. I remember it as the most positive church experience that I ever had as a kid growing up. In a lot of ways it reminds me of Friendship. The kindness, the warmth of heart, the good teaching, the people getting saved. I fear Friendship has gotten complacent and I fear that it will ruin us in the end, and that right now we aren't being used as we should. My spiritual life has followed the ups and downs of Friendship. It takes a very special person not to have his or her spiritual walk mirror that of the congregation they attend. I find that to be very sad and scary.

On other topics. The Kaye and Janet McCoy family from Grace Baptist Church, Shelocta had a baby boy born on Monday. The boy Joshua Caleb was born with severe Down's Syndrome. His heart stopped at birth and then they got it restarted. He was put on life support and flown to Children's hospital were he remained on lifesupport until Wednesday. At that point, his kidneys were failing. The whole family held him andthen they withdrew life support after much prayer. He would have been in a lot of pain. He was the only baby that they had no medical help conceiving. He seemed like a gift of God to them. Like God wanted him back in heaven with him. They had a burial, memorial service and a meal today remember him. His father Kay spoke as well as Pastor Billock. They gave a salvation message. About 120 people attended.

I have become curiously calm and tranquil over the last few days. I was anxious and upset when I came to realize that Sean is looking for a wife. I mean I may be reading a lot into the situation but I think that it's a safe thing to say. I became upset because I realized that it's not just a matter of waiting for him to notice me but that he is looking beyond me for a mate.

However I began to pray about the situation and to study my Bible. I came to realize that I care more about his happiness than about him PICKING ME. Him picking me relates to my selfish wish for my own happiness. Yet as I watch him I realize he is a very lonely person. Significantly more so than before he went to the desert for the war. I watch him with that silly dog of his. He absolutely loves her. He talks about Lucky all the time. He carries her up to bed in her little bed if she falls asleep before he goes to bed. He talks with people and tries to maintain relationships like crazy. Yet people leave and relationships end. His family is not saved so he doesn't have much any Christian comraderie there.

The point is I don't want him to be lonely. I don't want him to wish he has a family, children. I want him to have those things. I want him to have it with someone that he loves and that loves Christ, someone that he is a match made in heaven with. I want that more for him than I want to have him for myself.

So I started praying for him and his future wife. I started praying that God would send him someone and that God would orchestrate that relationship so that it ends in a happy marriage that lasts a life time. When I started to feel and think that way; I lost my desperation. I lost my sadness. Sure if God wants that person to be me..that would be great, but more importantly I want his happiness first.

If he is to remain single that I asked God to place the singles in families as he promised in the Bible and to relieve him of his lonliness and me too. I can accept remaining single for the rest of my life. It kind of scares me and makes me sad, but if it's God's will I accept it.

God has turned the love I have for him into a purer more sacrificial love. One that wants the best for him irregardless of if it suits my own personal needs, wants or desires. That alone makes the entire relationship worth far more than gold.

I know that the close intense relationship we have experenced is due to his intense need for friendship and I like most women couldn't imagine a close relationship with a man (at least not with him) that didn't eventually lead to romance and marriage. Which of course explains my entire tirade around Valentine's Day this year(the one that thankfully I did not vent on him).

Today Dai said good morning after I logged on. That was nice. His mom is sick with low platelets count. Problem is her spleen. Needs a very expensive shot possibly or to have her spleen removed. shot=2700 dollars.

I am trying to sit and trust in Jesus right now. I feel so sad about my r-ship with Sean. However, I do feel the peace of Jesus and I slept ok.

Premjit was also online. He is planning a worship seminar fairly small for his church and some other local ones.

Matt Getz led someone to the Lord at boot camp! Good for him. The drill sergent really has it in for him.

Well I blog today with a mixture of emotions. I think that I realize that Sean is LOOKING and LONELY. That makes me sad. I am sad because I wish that I am WHOM he is looking for. In reality, it seems not. I am the TYPE he is looking for but I think not the PERSON. I also think that I need to stop FOOLING myself. The fact that he is LOOKING and LONELY makes me feel LONELY AND SAD. In my heart, I had stopped looking. I was satisfied, no stunned that he could possibly be the right man for me. The truth is it's ALL IN MY HEAD. GET OVER IT ALREADY I say to myself. Rather get OVER HIM already I tell myself.

In some ways the fact that he is looking is good. It shows that possibly he is ready for the kind of committment that families are made of. I keep telling myself, fine then don't bow out, be one of the options for him. I'm honestly not sure how to handle this type of relationship. I'm not sure if I want to casually date. Or even just go out as friends. I want more, if I can't have it I don't know what to do.

I am turning my eyes to Jesus the author and finisher of my faith. I am trusting him to show me the path. I need to resolve to not step forward in this relationship with out first consulting him.

I saw on his computer a book mark for a Christian dating site. So now I know he's looking.
Good for him. He needs to look. It's just hard being friends. My heart tells me to just let him make contacts and basically ignore him other than that, my brain say that's hard. I need to pray more. Prayer makes things happen because God honors prayer.

On a happy note it looks like he got a job with the Veterans Administration Hospital in Butler as an electrician. It is a 6 months to 2 year placement. I'm glad for him.

I have started thinking about leaving the church again. I was thinking of going to the church plant but now they are talking about going to Plum which is farther than I think I should drive to church and traffic will be very hard. So I'm not real sure. I think that I need to not leave a church over a guy but need to some how resolve the relationship.

There are some things that I am fairly sure of.
1. He doesn't know who God wants him with but he wants to have a family
2. So he's looking
3. He thinks I'm a sweet FRIEND and unless God changes that view
that is exactly what I will remain.
4. He may sometimes think maybe I'm the one but he doubts that is the case.

O God help me. I feel so helpless and alone. Touch my heart and open my eyes. Give me wisdom like Solomon, Love like John he disciple and the Holy Spirit to hold me up.

Comfort my poor weary tired soul. Help me. Give me strength. I am alone and familyless. Put me into a family give me a loving husband and children. Lord I can't do this stuff without you. I want what you want for my life. Please make you will the one that is predominate in my heart and helpt the disatisfaction with my lot in life to go away. I