I have become curiously calm and tranquil over the last few days. I was anxious and upset when I came to realize that Sean is looking for a wife. I mean I may be reading a lot into the situation but I think that it's a safe thing to say. I became upset because I realized that it's not just a matter of waiting for him to notice me but that he is looking beyond me for a mate.

However I began to pray about the situation and to study my Bible. I came to realize that I care more about his happiness than about him PICKING ME. Him picking me relates to my selfish wish for my own happiness. Yet as I watch him I realize he is a very lonely person. Significantly more so than before he went to the desert for the war. I watch him with that silly dog of his. He absolutely loves her. He talks about Lucky all the time. He carries her up to bed in her little bed if she falls asleep before he goes to bed. He talks with people and tries to maintain relationships like crazy. Yet people leave and relationships end. His family is not saved so he doesn't have much any Christian comraderie there.

The point is I don't want him to be lonely. I don't want him to wish he has a family, children. I want him to have those things. I want him to have it with someone that he loves and that loves Christ, someone that he is a match made in heaven with. I want that more for him than I want to have him for myself.

So I started praying for him and his future wife. I started praying that God would send him someone and that God would orchestrate that relationship so that it ends in a happy marriage that lasts a life time. When I started to feel and think that way; I lost my desperation. I lost my sadness. Sure if God wants that person to be me..that would be great, but more importantly I want his happiness first.

If he is to remain single that I asked God to place the singles in families as he promised in the Bible and to relieve him of his lonliness and me too. I can accept remaining single for the rest of my life. It kind of scares me and makes me sad, but if it's God's will I accept it.

God has turned the love I have for him into a purer more sacrificial love. One that wants the best for him irregardless of if it suits my own personal needs, wants or desires. That alone makes the entire relationship worth far more than gold.

I know that the close intense relationship we have experenced is due to his intense need for friendship and I like most women couldn't imagine a close relationship with a man (at least not with him) that didn't eventually lead to romance and marriage. Which of course explains my entire tirade around Valentine's Day this year(the one that thankfully I did not vent on him).