Yesterday, based on a conversation Sean and I had Sunday night I was excited when I found out that Ed Halferty was going to Light of Life mission by himself. I have been wanting Sean to go, generally because he feels that he is doing little for the Lord and is isolated from the Christians during the week. So I figured I could more than 1 bird with 1 stone. He likes Ed, he needs to serve (men and Ed) and he will see others who are in more dire straights than he is. I felt a very strong urge that he should go, almost must go. I thought, he won't want to go he has brushed off my suggestions in the past, but he has shown some small interest. So at lunch I was near Ed and Sean as they got their food from the table. So I asked Ed if he was really going by himself to Light of Life..and he said he was. I asked what time he was going and he said it started at 6:30. I asked what time he would be leaving home and he said around 5 pm. I said Sean you should go with him! Sean said you know I go to see my mother. I said yes but I thought that you are usually home by that time. He said well yes, but. He looked at a loss of words but his demeanor was no way! I said nevermind I know basically what you want to say you don't have to say it. So at lunch I said a couple of times how bad I felt that Ed had to go alone. I would go if I could but I can't. After lunch Sean apologized for being moody with me. I said, you where? You must be a really good actor I thought things were fine. He said I am? I thought everything I said and did showed my moodiness. I said I didn't notice anything except when we were in line. I told him I was sorry that tried to sign him up for something. He said that it was ok he knew my intentions were good. Then he told me that he has been feeling moody, that he doesn't look forward to anything and that he feels competely without direction.
So some guys showed up at our table and I went to the ladies Bible study.

When I came up stairs he looked happy and said, "I am going to the mission tonight" "I told Ed maybe I would come along." Ed looked so happy to have a friend coming down. He told us that Sean could help with the singing...sean said that he could sing loud anyway! LOL I bet the singing sounded really crazy!~

Now I am dying to know how things went!

Over the last couple of weeks that I have been aware of and more generally over the last few months Sean has been getting discouraged. Yesterday he surprised me when he said that he is "moody, doesn't look forward to things, and has not direction in his life..about anything."
These themes are not new but seem to be coming up with increasing frequency. He looked emotional, in pain when he said these things. He has trouble expressing exactly what is going on but tried. Our time was brief before other people came to the table and we stopped talking about his struggles.

His other themes are lonliness and lack of Christian fellowship. I am sure that my needing to put distance between us has not helped. As he put it, when i count my christians friends there is charlotte..and..noone. I alone cannot provide him with the friendship and support that he needs. I am happy to contribute but I am not enough. The same way that he is not enough for me either. We need community. I get some of that from living at home but still I struggle.

I am tired tonight. Mom and Dad got home from Montana late Tuesday night.
The trip was pleasant and tension between them and Suzanne almost nonexistent. Mother's knee is better but she is still very unsteady on her leg.

I have had my knee injury checked by 2 specialists. I also got a MRI and x-rays. I need a new ACL ligament and some of my meniscus needs to be removed. I plan to have Dr. Neushwander do the surgery. Both specialists suggest that I get the surgery soon in order to avoid further damage, but I have decided to be careful and to get surgery in November if that is possible.

Since Sean and I had our break up we still haven't been in church together on a Sunday Morning. That should happen this week. I am not looking forward to that change. However all changes require adjustment and I am sure that over the next month or so things will get easier. Last night was particularly difficult for me. We had pizza for the AWANA clubbers since it was the last club of this year. I felt like he wanted me to join him to eat pizza, but I chose to talk to Leslie Hines and some other ladies instead. Then later I didn't spend time with him when it was time to go home instead I talked with Kathy Halferty and another Mrs. Pereseta. Over time the wierdness will wear off.

Now I must write this book report.